I SAT AND LISTENED in awe for about three hours as this married man, in the presence of his wife of 56 years, recounted what it was like for him as a family-focused man.
The story of Oscar and Ulrica Nurse, now 84 and 80 years of age, respectively, is an excellent example of a couple that steadily stayed on the adventurous marriage course, despite the challenging and changing scenes of modern life.
Today, I will examine this successful marriage of over five decades, through the eyes of the husband. I believe there are countless lessons that can be learnt from such a vast experience in living faithfully with one woman.
Snuggled by his graceful and pleasant-looking wife, periodically stroking her hand very gently, Oscar’s first statement to me about his spouse was: “When my wife and I first got married, I loved her with a passion and that same passion is still there after these many years.” His wife, as if giving approval, blushed embarrassingly, yet affectionately as if to say: “You are on the right track, hubby, keep going.”
Raised by his grandmother, Oscar’s eventful love journey with Ulrica started when he was just 15. He said he saw this girl walking through the district and commented to himself: “I like that girl.” For a long time he was trying to figure out how best he could approach this lovely young woman. It took him another three years before he got the courage to make his feelings known.
Ulrica said that Oscar was an annoying young man she suspected had eyes for her, but initially she was not interested. “He used to come around the church where I worshipped and every time my singing group was rehearsing, he would be at the church window with his eyes fixed on me.”
With fear and trembling, Oscar said he wrote Ulrica’s mother and stated his intentions. He received her nod of approval. After walking four-and-a-half miles, going and coming to see the love of his life almost every night, that trek ceased on April 17, 1960. They both walked up the aisle of St Mary’s Church and established a covenant with each other. This bond of faithfulness and love has stood the test of time for 56 years.
The first thing that gripped me about this family man was his preparation for family life from an early age. Oscar said: “Respect for authority and being polite was the hallmark of my life.” With such values along with honesty and integrity, he said that he found favour with many people wherever he went, in Barbados and abroad.
The second thing that I observed was his visionary leadership qualities. This manifested itself in the clearly defined goals that he set for himself and family. Over time, he systematically and assertively worked toward realising them. For example, he desired a specific kind of house for his family and despite the financial challenges, he was able to accomplish this goal with the inspiration from Ulrica.
The third thing I saw emerging from this purpose-driven, family-oriented man was his desire to work to support his family and also to make them as comfortable as possible. “I wanted to make sure that in the event that anything happened to me, my family would not have to suffer,” was his firm declaration which he emphatically repeated. He travelled to several countries during his early years of marriage to work and faithfully support his family back in Barbados.
The fourth observation I made was his great love for his wife and children. The shine of love is still glowing and radiating from his face after so many years and I could see that it was not a case of just chalking up years of marriage but growing gracefully in love. He spoke of taking time out of his busy work schedule to take his wife to several places, and have fun together, just the two of them. Communication was healthy because they shared freely with each other, made decisions together and confronted as well as resolved personal problems.
As it relates to the children, he highlighted that they were the pride and joy of his life and they bonded beautifully, especially during times of personal trials. “I am 100 per cent a family man; and as a whole family, we enjoyed life together, praying, playing games and going places outside of our home to foster a closer connection.”
Oscar said that a defining moment for him was when his then seven-year-old daughter accosted him one Saturday when he was getting ready to go to theatre. “Daddy, you are constantly dressing up and going to theatre. Why can’t you find time to take me to church?” He said that her question pierced him like a dagger. He did not enjoy the show at the theatre, but rushed back home and told her to help her mum prepare his clothes for church the next day. He said that from that Sunday he became the spiritual leader of his family, a role that continues to pay great dividends.
Oscar remarked that the marriage however was not trouble-free. He lost all his children in their youth: at ages nine, 31 and 32. He was emotionally shattered. “At one time I felt my world had come to a full stop.” He attributed his ability to cope and work through those times to a caring wife and a faithful God, with whom he had built a robust relationship.
As it relates to his wife, he mentioned that she went through some times of physical challenges but her most recent sickness devastated him. He reiterated: “I take my responsibility for my wife very seriously. I love my wife.” He made a decision to cut back on his work schedule to be closer to home so he can be therefor her.
Oscar continues to be a focused family man, and together with his dedicated wife, looks forward to many more years of marital bliss. Men, what a worthy model to emulate.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email: [email protected].
