THIS SUNDAY’S COLUMN was initially going to list all the things we as Bajans ought to complain about, as a balance to last week’s article. Then it was going to discuss a horrific account of brutality, victimisation and extortion right here in Barbados from an email I received from an avid reader.
However, this Sunday, after hearing the countless stories of women who have been harassed by men heckling them on the streets, in the workplace and in our homes, the focus of this week’s column shifted to a wonderful movement called #lifeinleggings.
A few weeks ago I started seeing this hashtag trending called #lifeisleggings. The hashtag quickly became riddled with stories from women about how they have been heckled, harassed and mistreated by men and in turn, the elements of misogyny our society.
It was Shonda Rhimes who said that hashtags alone cannot change lives. The issue some people have with hashtags is the difficulty translating them into long-term sustainable movements in an ever-changing, easily distracted world.
#lifeinleggings is a success. I have had acquaintances who blog in the region ask me about it on numerous occasions since its inception.
I felt gutted by the many stories I read. I was angered by every story and frustrated by every unnecessary rebuttal some men provided in the entire discourse. However, the bravery of each truth teller inspired many of us. My heart broke as a mentor, inspired by #lifeinleggings, came to my home and told of how some prominent men in Barbados and the region threw themselves at her. When she resisted, they told her she was simply “playing hard to get” and “knew she wanted it”.
Tears streamed down my face as I watched a video of one young lady tell her story of her father sexuality abusing her for years from the tender age of four.
I shared no personal story on my #lifeinleggings. However, I wanted to use today’s column to share one of the many stories I saw on my Facebook timeline.
“There is something about the pain of abuse that never leaves us. Those who took advantage of me in the corner of the verandah amongst the plants. This was so close to home yet so far. Being touched from age seven, there were many times that went unnoticed. For years the pain was buried deep within my ‘sullen nature’. It never goes. It is like a trail. It follows with lack of self-esteem, numbness, anger and lashing out. You don’t know how to say what you need to and you think the person you want to scream and cry to would never listen.
You beat up on yourself, wondering “What have I done? Why me?” As life progresses, that downward spiral is like a carousel that never stops turning. Unresolved insecurities transform to messes in adult life. As an adult, I understood that it was not always others to blame for we are held accountable as adults.
Yet, an adult with no knowledge of the value of self or dignity is like a child searching so hard for self, for love and belonging. As a result, my pain caused me to accept what I thought was love from the wrong arms and the wrong lips. I fell off the carousel so many times. “You are no good!” they said. “You’ll never be nothing, no one will want you!” I was often told.
So many attacks hurled in their brutal verbal assassination of me. The saddest part was that I believed each and every word. I internalised all the verbal, physical, mental and emotional abuse from so many that it resulted in me not being the nicest person to others at times. When I started to become aware of who I was and the value of the heart within me, I crashed again straight off that carousel. I was broken to the fullest as an adult in the height of my chosen career.
However, I had my home and I had made great steps deservingly. Yet, the pain told me I could never be happy. I believed it then and I gave up. I almost let go. God kept me and taught me to forgive. It was not easy but it was worth it. Now, I can see my value and my reason for living. Now I can share and speak out. God’s love is everlasting and His promises are true. I have a great life surrounded by my family and phenomenal friends. My circle of love remains with Christ as my stronghold.”
This is the story of a family member shared on Facebook. Someone I lived with. Imagine the hurt I felt and questions I had when this was posted. This is an untold story and because of #lifeinleggings she was inspired to share. Stories need to be told. There is no shame in truth.
Toni Thorne is a young entrepreneur and World Economic Forum Global Shaper who loves global youth culture, a great debate and living in paradise. Email: Tonithorne@hotmail.com