DEAR CHRISTINE, I MET my husband when we were both in secondary school. After that, our friendship drew deeper and we fell in love. We got married when we were both 20 years old.
From that union we had two lovely children – a girl and a boy. My son is now ten years old and my daughter is five. Life appeared to offer us many good prospects, and I looked forward to our years as a family.
However, about two years ago, my husband developed some unusual symptoms. When he finally visited the doctor, it was discovered that he had prostate cancer. He fought it as best as he could but I lost my husband, the father of my children and my best friend.
I am now a 32-year-old widow, raising my children on my own. It’s not always easy but I am trying to do the best I can without my husband.
My reason for writing is to get your opinion about something my husband asked me not to do.
He told me during his illness that he did not want another man raising his children. This was one of his last wishes. I never agreed to it; I simply listened. Would you say that he was being selfish or should I abide by his wishes?
I loved my husband dearly but there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I cannot imagine living alone for the rest of my life. It was never my plan to be a single mother.
Should I allow myself to move past this and concentrate on my and my children’s future? Or am I being selfish?
– L.M.
Dear L.M.,
You are not being selfish. You cannot allow the selfishness of your husband to rob you of any future happiness with someone else; as long as you love that person for all the right reasons.
You must allow yourself to move past this tragedy and get on with the rest of your life. That’s practical. In any case, judging from what you’ve written, you never agreed to abide by his wishes By eliciting a death-bed promise from you that you would never remarry, your husband was trying to hold onto life and control you beyond the grave. That’s unfair and impossible.
Your wedding vows must have said that you “will love and cherish him [only] till death do us part”.
You are not in any way tied to your husband. You are free to marry whomever and whenever you so desire.
I extend my sympathy to you at the untimely death of your husband, but right now you must move on with your life. Please don’t feel guilty. Life is for the living.
– CHRISTINE
