Dear Christine:I live with my mother who is old and ailing and needs round-the-hour care.Half the time she doesn’t even know who I am.I have no problem with that, because she gets good care and is always clean and smiling.All my siblings chip in to make sure she is well taken care of. I do it sometimes, but there are also nursing assistants who come in.She lives with me, because of a promise we made that we would not put her in a home.I am the only one who is single and so it was convenient for her to live with me. I am divorced.My two sisters live abroad and my brother who lives here, is married with children.I really don’t mind or should I say – didn’t mind until recently when I met a very nice man.We have been dating for almost a year and he is very understanding when I have to get home to relieve one of the nurses or when there is a “mummy” crisis, but we are getting serious and he has even hinted that had I been free, we could move in together.Once he asked me to go away with him, but I couldn’t.For the first time I am beginning to regret that I made the promise to have my mother live with me.I am beginning to get a little resentful, everytime I have to hustle home because of a problem or some other reason.I am afraid that this man may lose his patience.I believe that he cares deeply for me and I do for him, but my ailing mother is getting in the way of a smooth relationship.What do you think I should do?I really need some advice.– TORNDEAR TORN:WE all love our mothers and when they become old, it is a noble gesture to want to keep them at home and to even try looking after them ourselves.Unfortunately, it is not always practical.You would have made that promise to your siblings when you were alone and felt that taking care of your mother would not be a burden to you.I believe that you should speak with your siblings who all seem to be living the lives they want and although they may all make a monetary contribution to your mother’s upkeep, you have the added responsibility of physically taking care of her.Being a caregiver, as lovingly as you do it, is not all that easy.Tell them about the man in your life; ask them a for little break; ask if they could take turns in looking after mummy when you have to travel.Perhaps even investigate a nursing home where she can stay temporarily and interact with people her age and be stimulated by activities there.There is nothing wrong with that.Do not let your siblings make you feel guilty.You all love you mother dearly and want what’s best for her.If this man cares for you, then he will see how much you care for your mother and will continue to be patient.Have a family meeting and see how best it can be sorted out. Your siblings may be more understanding than you think.– CHRISTINE
