THERE’S A SAYING that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That holds true for relationships too.
Sometimes people underestimate the nature of their actions and their effects. And women are particularly guilty of this.
Take this week’s Secret’s Corner situation and question:
You and your partner are being counselled by your church’s pastor in preparation for your marriage. One week your partner could not make the session, but told you to go ahead and share with him later on what the pastor told you.
Alone with you, the pastor hits on you, saying that he always wanted you and was sorry the two of you could not have made it. How would you handle this unexpected development, bearing in mind that you never told your betrothed that you and the pastor had dated for a few weeks several years ago?
The question any right-thinking person would want to know is why would anyone put themselves in a potentially compromising position like that?
It just doesn’t make sense.
Regardless of who we are, at the end of the day we are human beings and can often respond in a questionable manner when in certain situations. While this woman might have moved on with her life, the pastor, obviously, had not.
A woman commented: “The pastor, like many others, is a man and is not perfect. Pastor, police, doctor – a man is just a man. I am not agreeing with what he has done but I find society places people on pedestals.”
Another said: “I blame this woman and, to be quite honest, she got what she deserved. She knew that the pastor and she were intimate. Why in God’s holy name did she choose to get married at his church? Why did she not tell her husband-to-be?
“Perhaps the husband-to-be already knew and was testing her loyalty, knowing that if the pastor did come to her in his absence, she might have kept it a secret. Perhaps she still has feelings for this pastor.
“Personally, if I had an affair with a pastor I would not be considering asking him to marry me. No way! The pastor is a man and he has feelings.”
The responder added: “It is possible that this young woman was oblivious to the fact that the pastor would react in the way he did. But it speaks volumes about her as well because I am sure she would not want her fiancé to have gone to a woman he dated to marry them.”
While it’s easy for us to say the pastor was out of line, this woman was way out of line, too.
One woman said: “Such a simple answer – tell the pastor to go to hell (he’s probably going to end up there anyway if he doesn’t stop masquerading as one of God’s spiritual leaders).
“Then tell the fiancé exactly what happened, including that you dated the so-called pastor in the past. If it was that long ago and it was only for a few weeks, why should it matter? I would also look for another pastor to counsel my fiancé and me.
“Not only does this woman need someone else to counsel her and the fiancé, but I am wondering if she’s really ready for marriage. People often forget that a big component of love is respect and she showed a lack of respect for her fiancé and the pastor as well.”
The long and short of this issue is that when you become seriously involved with someone, especially to the point that you are considering marriage, you need to be frank with your partner about certain things in your life.
We are not suggesting that you disclose whom you went out with or were intimate with. That is a very personal decision which you should weigh carefully before making a disclosure.
Rather, if you and your spouse are going to have to deal with people to whom you may have been close, you should either not do business with them, speak to them separately and let them know that the past between you is just that or, if you have confidence in your partner’s judgement, let him or her know of the situation and together decide the way forward on the particular matter.
It’s always best to bite the bullet in these circumstances and deal with a matter up front so embarrassing situations like this would not arise. (SOH/SP)
