Dear Christine,
I really enjoy reading your column and I just wanted to share my feelings. I need your feedback urgently.
I left my boyfriend of two years because I felt that the relationship was going nowhere. Christine, he would spend every night out with his friends or just outside on the phone all hours of the night.
Many days he would get up, have breakfast, leave the house, come back home for something to eat, and leave and come back when he was ready to sleep.
I would ask him if there was something wrong, if he was not interested in me anymore, and never get a straight answer from him. He never gave me any kind of support in the house. Each time I asked him to help, his reply was always not doing anything. I was so lonely.
We used to argue a lot and basically my feelings never meant anything to him.
We would go out once every few months and sex was on his terms. He never wanted to try anything new. He never wanted to talk, unless it was about him.
Sometimes I would try talking to him about my day and he would wait until my back was turned to exit the room without saying anything. I didn’t want to control his life, but I needed some attention.
I eventually got tired of sharing my feelings and getting no response. I really wanted a family with him more than anything else, but I could not deal with his behaviour.
Now that I have left him, I miss him more than anything. In the beginning there were some good times. I miss those also.
I cannot get over him. I shared my complete soul with him and now I feel so left out in the cold.
I tried everything [to get his attention]. I purchased lingerie, planned romantic nights to spice up things in bed, but it was like he did not want to be there. Why he would string me along, I do not know.
Right now my heart is broken, because I love him so much. I know that time heals, but I am stuck in the moment where I cannot think about anything but him. What do I do?
– R
Dear R,
It is true that time heals, but perhaps the time you need to heal has not passed. Has he made any attempt to come after you? If the answer is no, then stay as far away from him as possible.
Only a dog returns to his vomit, and that hostile atmosphere you described is not for you.
Judging from your letter, I see no love or feelings for you.
Perhaps things were great in the beginning when the relationship was young, but it appears that all the good times are just water under the bridge.
Take a long, hard look in the mirror and tell me what you see – don’t you see a woman who deserves to be truly loved, respected and cared for? Don’t you see a woman of worth, a creature who deserves nothing but the very best?
Would you call this man the very best for you? I don’t think so. Don’t settle for the crumbs he is offering you. I don’t even think he was offering you crumbs.
From what you have written, he has not offered you anything at all – even sex only on his terms – and none of his time or interaction.
Wake up! Time heals – give yourself time to heal. Don’t look back. Look forward! Tell yourself there will be new beginnings, a better love life, a happier you.
You can do it, just give yourself time to get over him and all will be well. If you feel the need to talk your way out of the feelings that linger, find a good friend – male or female – to help you along the way. You’ve only got one life to live. Enjoy it and don’t allow anyone to take that from you.
– CHRISTINE
