Pauline Haynes will be the first to tell you she had a good life. She was married to a man she loved and was living in Barbados and being a stay-at-home mother to her son Simon.
But a year and a half ago that all changed.
The marriage that had become a bastion of security fell apart, and with it the world she had grown accustomed to. Along with being caught in a whirlwind of emotions, Pauline admitted that the greatest thing she felt aside from the disappointment was fear.
“I was disappointed with myself, especially because I saw the signs, but I had my family, and it was easy to keep everything together even when I knew it wasn’t working,” Pauline revealed.
Though she was filled with a sense of remorse, that quickly gave way to anger and resentment at times.
“I was angry at the man,” she said. “That disappointment must also have stretched to him. He went on with his life, stepped right into a new chapter, while I was left scrambling to figure out what I was doing, and how I was going to live.”
Feeling like the world she knew was crumbling quickly around her at times was very difficult to shake.
“My bombshell was: what am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to do this?” she said. “The anger wasn’t that the marriage was over; it was that he could so easily move on, whereas I had to figure out what to do with my life.”
Though the anger often surfaced, it was an emotion Pauline couldn’t afford to nurture because she had to think about providing for herself and her son. After eight years of not being in the workforce, Pauline found herself having to prepare a résumé and hit the job market in search of gainful employment.
“I had taken a break from the workforce for eight years. You have to find your niche again and it’s a whole new ball game,” she said. “Living within a bubble with your family and having to go back into the workforce is hard.”
But she did it. It took a positive attitude, because there were many closed doors and missed opportunities, but she never gave up.
Throughout this whole process, Pauline found solace in many of her friends who provided good emotional support for her. She also found out that when she felt she was weakest, she was able to draw on reserves within herself that she didn’t know she had.
“I’m stronger than I thought I was,” she said. “This whole ordeal has taught me that, no matter what, your friends are important because you need that support. You find strength in sources that you could never imagine.”
Pauline said that her perseverance paid off and she landed a job that she loves and is on the way to rebuilding her life. She now finds herself feeling more empowered and confident than she’s felt in a long time.
Years ago, Pauline was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, a form of inflammatory bowel disease, which would often leave her in debilitating pain. While there is no cure for it, she says that she has noticed a change in her body.
“Funny enough, the Crohn’s has been better since we split,” Pauline admitted. “I saw my doctor and he couldn’t believe it was me. He literally dropped the files that were in his hand. Taking control of my life and having control over me has impacted so positively on my illness. I had no ideas how much stress played a role in my illness.”
With her life in full swing again, though this time on her own, Pauline is feeling recharged and re-energized.
“I’m me again. Even my friends who knew me before I got married tell me this,” she said. “I’m getting back to me, and having me back is giving me confidence. Having to make decisions for me and my son is really great. I realized that I’m important and that you can’t depend on anyone else to make you happy.”
Pauline also realized that she willingly sacrificed herself years ago for her family.
“You give up so much of yourself when you’re a wife and mother. It’s so gradual – that losing of yourself,” she said. “You stop doing little things, you start making little sacrifices and then it seems normal.
“You don’t have to lose you to gain something, and that’s the lesson that I skipped over.”
