DE MARKET VENDOR: Imagine cricket as a names game


What’s in a name? I am told a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. Perhaps you can tell me what’s in a name, especially cricket names. Over de years I have heard some sweet ones. Dese days cricket is more about de lime because usually we getting beat, though Sunday we ripped England to shreds!
Take a cricketer named Swann. Yuh imagine wid a name like Swann he is a graceful  bowler or batsman, but what comes to mind when you hear dat Peter Willie coming to de crease or dat Broad gine bowl to Batty? Does Batty (yes, there was such a Test player) stroke Peter Willie all over de ground? Then there was a fella called Trimble. I am not sure if my team pun de ropes dat Trimble is de man I want coming to bat. Somehow I think I would prefer to have Hogg batting; dat name would inspire confidence.
What if I am the fielding side? Certainly I should be able to call up Graham Onions to bowl and hope dat he really know his Onions, otherwise de batsman could be chopping and cutting Onions all over de place and bringing tears to muh eyes. Suppose Onions is bowling to a man name Butcher? He might get slaughtered and at the end of his spell could be like minced meat, chopped and butchered all over de field. Would the Butcher be a cutter delicately slicing de ball to de boundary or would he be chopping to a square leg?
Then there was a player named Appleyard. Not sure what happened to him but I suspect his balls got struck once too many times into de Appleyard requiring a replacement bowler. There was Bakewell; I suspect dat is how de opponents see West Indies team dese days – well baked or baked well!
I can hear Tony Cozier or “Reds” Perreira struggling through commentary: “From the pavilion end we have S.T. Badcock bowling and from the commentary box end the bowler is G.B. Studd, bowling to Blunt and Nooke.” I not sure if de E in Nooke is emphasised but I see some challenges for Messrs Cozier and Perriera with Badcock bowling to Nooke: “The field is wet and slippery as Badcock bowls to Nooke and Nooke strokes him sweetly through Badcock’s legs”, or “It’s going to be Studd to Nooke, Nooke drives and misses for de second time, both balls sliding between the legs.”
Things could get worse as the new bowler could be a fella known as H. Ironmonger and facing him might be Oli Hairs of Scotland. Of course, with the weather dese days as bad as it is, a natural fuh any team might be a fella name W.E. Midwinter.
Imagine Micky Holding describing a bowler named Lilliwhite bowling to Rice: “Lilliwhite, his shirt not so Lilliwhite, bowling to Rice. Rice has had a couple of brown patches recently.”
Commentary has to be a challenge if a batsman named Hornibrook is coming to de crease or Lamb is coming to face Butcher, and what about a fella named Pocock? “He didn’t last long, he was in and out before you knew it!”
There is also Twentyman Jones of South Africa and Makepeace of England: “After a crack on the head with that ball, Makepeace goes over to the batsman to make peace!”
Of course, one of de most unusual names I came across was not a cricketer. His name was Hoare – dat one I would have to change!
I ,Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderdul day, yuh hear!


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