Dear Christine,
I’VE BEEN A REGULAR READER of your column for the past six years and although I do not live in your country, I make it a point to read every column online.
As I write this letter to you, there are tears in my eyes. I do not know if I am sitting or standing, and food has become kind of non-existent for me – especially for the past two weeks. I am losing weight from not eating and my whole life seems to be in the balance.
I have known my husband for 15 years. Out of those 15 years we have been married for 13 and have three children. They are 13, 11 and nine.
My husband and I always got along well and he has always been a great provider. I work as an accounts clerk in a large firm and he is a sales manager for the same company.
Why I am hurting, Christine, is that after all these years of being with my husband, I have just learnt that he fathered a child with another woman 12 years ago. This woman apparently never made any fuss about the child and I never knew about this child until early last month when the mother became terminally ill and contacted my home asking for my husband.
When I asked my husband what the call was about, he spilled everything out to me. I learnt that this woman was not a native of my country but was actually living and working in my country for the past 15 years.
My husband told me he had a two-year relationship with her and that relationship produced an 11-year-old son.
Christine, I cried and cried. I asked my husband how he could have cheated on me and the children the way he did and how he expected us to accept this news.
My husband cried, Christine. He cried like a baby and told me he was sorry. He asked me and the children to forgive him, which we have all done. However, that was not the main problem. Now that this woman is terribly sick, she wants the son to live with us.
Please, Christine, to look at that child every day is to be constantly reminded about the fact that my husband cheated on me. It is not only that, but the fact that this child is the same age as one of my children is heartbreaking.
Please, Christine, I am going out of my mind. Tell me what I should do. I cannot go on like this much longer. I know I have to make a decision. What can I do, or rather, what should I do?
– Agnia
Dear Agnia,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it cannot be easy for you right now, especially if you trusted your husband, only to find out the deception and dishonesty.
I am not sure if you will accept my response but if this woman is reaching out at this time due to her illness, the child may well have to be with his father. For the past 12 years she was content being in the background, never causing any trouble, but she is concerned about the future of her child.
I am not saying that you have to take on this responsibility, but I am saying that based on the circumstances, you should embrace this child, who now stands to lose his mother.
I know it will be hard – especially at first – but that child was not responsible for his birth and should not be cast aside because of what his parents have done.
It is bad enough right now that this woman is terminally ill. She has paid her dues. Embrace your husband’s son, especially since it appears that he has little family outside of his parents. I am sure if it were possible, his mother could have packed him off to an auntie, grandmother or uncle somewhere but that does not appear to be the case.
It may be hard but put yourself in the place of that youngster or consider what it would be like if one of your children was in that position.
Do the right thing – even though it will call for much sacrifice. You will be rewarded for the good you do.
– CHRISTINE
