“He who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of an opposite disposition, youth and age are equally a burden.” – Plato
MIDLIFE FOR THE MAN could either be a distressing or a delightful experience. Some men picture this natural phase through a positive window, while others gaze at it through spectacles clouded with fear and dread.
Researchers say that midlife begins as early as age 35 and stretches as far as 60. However, most men may find that the period 40 to 45 is the time when certain realities consistent with this unique chapter in life begin to hit home. I like how Joel and Louis Davitz, in their book Making It From 40 To 50, summed up when the man is in the heart of midlife:
“No other decade is more intriguing, complex, interesting, and unsettled. Its characteristics are change, flux, crisis, growth and intense challenges. Other than childhood, no period has a greater impact on the balance of our lives, for at no other time is anxiety coupled with so great a possibility for fulfillment.”
It is indeed a time when many complex and personal cross-currents may present themselves. Fresh and flourishing opportunities may burst forth, ready to be captured and transformed into fruitfulness. People mistakenly label this normal midlife time for the man as a crisis. It should be better branded as a transition.
God has designed human beings to go through a series of transitions from birth until death. These transitions can either be viewed positively or negatively; they can result in brokenness or blessings; they can make him or break him; they can destroy him or develop him. It all depends on how the transitions are viewed and treated.
Daniel Levinson, a leading researcher in men’s midlife transition, said that the most frequently asked questions are as follows:
“What have I done with my life? What do I really get from and give to my wife, children, friends, work, community and self? What is it I truly want for myself and others? What are my central values and how are they reflected in my life? What are my greatest talents and how am I using (or wasting) them? What have I done with my early dream and what do I want with it now? Can I live in a way that combines my current desires, values and talents? How satisfactory is my present life structure – how suitable for the self, how viable in the world – and how shall I change it to provide a better basis for the future?”
During this period of midlife, such questions force the man to face the realities of his past performances and examine the possibilities of what his future may offer. It is not a time for him to become stuck in this phase of life, but now to weigh his past achievements next to his future prospects and make some sensible decisions.
When some men look back at their past life performances and realise they may not have accomplished what they should have achieved, they often become stuck. The possibility of adopting a very negative attitude toward life is very great at this time. Unfortunately, if this happens, this man may collapse into a crisis situation. A man in crisis at midlife may develop feelings of disappointment, despair, frustration, failure, helplessness and hopelessness. He may become unproductive, leave his job, neglect his family, get very angry, turn to alcohol and drugs, blame others for his failures and in some cases become suicidal.
Improve
Sadly, I have come across men who fall into this category. Several years ago, I came face to face with a man who was very talented. He was in a profession that had the potential to make him very rich, but he refused to improve himself to become more marketable. Others with the same opportunities put the structures in place to improve themselves and became progressively successful.
Upon reaching midlife he was far behind in almost every area of his life. Often he would decide he was not going to work, so income became a major problem. His spouse threatened to leave him because she now had to carry the financial burden of the family. His social, mental and emotional well-being suffered serious blows. He began to adopt defence mechanisms by blaming things and people for his failings and frustrations.
On the other hand, I know of other men who also wasted precious time leading up to midlife. I have seen these men however pick themselves up and begin to chart a course of action for themselves and their families. I am aware of wives who did not understand their husbands’ renewed drive and new-found outlook on life, and in error have falsely accused these men of intimately connecting with other females.
A wife once told me that something was wrong with her husband because all of a sudden, he had signed up for classes and making what she thought were excuses for self-improvement. She became very suspicious and at the same time very angry and kept on accusing him of impure motives.
The husband was furious. When he spoke to me he blamed himself for missing out on opportunities as he grew up, but now in his mid-40s he wanted to do more for himself and his family. The mind of his spouse was eventually placed at ease. I highly commended that man for his initiative that later transformed his life into something very positive and productive.
God never designed losers but men with potential to cultivate. The onus therefore is on every man to develop the innate capabilities he possesses and put them to good use from an early age. Considering the frustrations that can result at midlife, wisdom should dictate that every effort should be made by every man to enjoy his golden years.
Next week I shall continue on this subject.
• Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email griffitharticles@gmail.com.
