“Sail through the natural changes that come with middle age and emerge happier and more fulfilled.” – Author unknown
MANY PEOPLE OFTEN REMARK that life begins at 40. Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn’t. You be the judge.
My focus last week was on men at midlife who inspected their past only to find that they did not have much to show for the many years they occupied space on earth.
I said that this type of man often panics when he stares down the long road of his later years and sometimes crashes into the concrete walls of frustration where he may end up with a crisis situation and lose all sense of direction as far as his future goals are concerned.
Realistic goals
Other men similar to those in this first group acknowledge that they missed several important green lights on life’s highway only to end up in non-productive cul-de-sacs. Though daunted by the uphill journey that they saw before them, they were not stuck in the valley of discouragement but began to set and pursue meaningful and realistic goals both for themselves and their families. They ended up as winners.
Today I will address the issue of how important it is for the man to build what one researcher refers to as a sturdy “life structure” prior to reaching midlife.
There are several areas of preparation that can set a robust platform for the man to progressively and productively move toward what one person calls the “flourishing forties”, “fearless fifties”, and “influential sixties”.
A glance at two of these areas of preparation – parental and personal – may prove useful for the man moving toward midlife and those who have already reached that goal.
Parental preparation
Levinson, in his book Seasons Of The Man’s Life, reiterates that if a stable and satisfactory life preceded midlife, then it not only lays a solid foundation for the man as he enters that transition, but also enables him to experience great motivation to take positive steps toward his future. On the other hand, if those structures were not put in place, then disappointment, frustration and disillusionment become common features.
Parents
Since the home is the first institution into which the child finds itself, proper care should be taken by parents regarding their choice of partner before deciding to bring a child into the world.
I have heard too many males tearfully speak of the diverse forms of cruelty they suffered in childhood at the hands of their abusive parents and the effect it had on them as they came into adulthood. Unfortunately, some of these emotionally scarred males grow up with bleeding wounds too deep to cure.
Such deep-seated damage, if not professionally dealt with, has the potential to progressively infect every area of the male’s life, making it very challenging for him to avoid a psychological meltdown during midlife.
Childhood pain
Within the last decade I have interfaced, both formally and informally, with men at midlife who have taken the initiative to speak of their childhood pain.
Some of these men were courageous and candid enough to expose the inner hurts they were carrying as a result of their parents’ decisions.
Today some of these men with some guidance have received a new lease on life at midlife and continue to do well, while others with similar childhood experiences find it too taxing to fight through the pain of the past.
Parents, be aware that the choices you make today can affect your children at midlife and beyond.
Personal preparation
The human being is an amazing “machine”. History records the sordid experiences of numerous individuals over the years whose lives were shattered with multiple negative intrusions, and one often wonders how these human beings were able to ride through such horrible encounters and still became fully functioning individuals. The golden cord that ran through the testimonies of these individuals was their dauntless decision-making and dogged determination.
You need not allow any vexing circumstance life may throw at you before reaching midlife to deter you from making vital decisions; but rather see them as incentives for achieving great future success. The choice is yours.
You must begin from early, however, to take a firm grip on your life, if attaining your long-term objectives is going to become a reality. You must take the long look realising that the early decisions you make will more than likely affect you when you reach the significant stage of midlife.
If you have suffered abuse as a child and realise that it is impeding your mental, academic, social, physical, emotional and spiritual progress, seek help for such blockages and move forward assertively to be the best you can be in all areas of your personality.
Changes
My point is confirmed by Tim Conway in his book Men In Midlife Crisis, when he said midlife “is an opportunity to look at reality, get rid of unnecessary junk that may have limited our lives, and make full use of our experience and expertise. What a waste if we do not make positive changes”.
Conway is supported by Gail Sheehy, author of New York Times bestseller, Understanding Men’s Passages, who said: “Men who are open to gaining fresh insight can make a leap into 21st century manhood, combining the best of their biological instincts with a new psychological potency.
“True, change is usually painful. But if a man welcomes the challenge of new passages after 40 and sees them as opportunities to stretch himself and gain more skill at life, he will surely grow.”
There is nothing called a midlife crisis for the man, unless he decides to create one for himself. That, of course, does not mean he may not experience normal crises during that inescapable transition period of his life.
Midlife should become an opportunity for the man to retool and sharpen his acquired skills and gifts for his benefit and those within his circle of influence.
As a man, choose to make wise and intelligent decisions before midlife. Never let midlife catch you napping; let it find you climbing to new heights every day.
Next week I shall expose some of the midlife fears.
• Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email griffitharticles@gmail.com.
