THE HUMAN SKIN which is the largest organ the body possesses, is fascinating. One of its many functions is to prevent harmful bacteria from getting under it to infect what is precious beneath its surface.
But today when I talk about “getting under your skin”, I am addressing the subject of people who are viewed as injurious “germs” which seek to contaminate other people’s mental and emotional well-being.
There are some people who seem to take pleasure in “getting under your skin”. They are sometimes described as very irritating especially if they are constantly in your space and in your face. You may find them at work, school, social media, church, in stores, on the street, and many other places. How annoying and irksome they happen to be.
Some are said to be liars, gossipers, grumblers, deceivers, whiners and faultfinders. Someone once said that they are like bad dreams and bad news. The question you may ask is, how can you deal with individuals who apparently “get under your skin”?
But wait a minute, have you ever given thought to the idea that everyone who you perceive as getting under your skin may not necessarily be deliberately doing so? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that those individuals may be seeing something in you that may be very positive and are genuinely desiring that valuable asset but may come across to you as annoying? Did the idea ever occur to you that you may be getting under your own skin by reacting to someone who you think is targeting you?
Perhaps now is a good time to pause and think. In this series it may be worth the effort to take a second look at those individuals who you believe are getting under your skin. Today I want to bring you face to face with three of them.
People with serious underlying emotional issues may get under your skin. They are often attention seekers and may exhibit some annoying behaviours that could be very uncomfortable. For example, they may call several times a day to talk about the same thing even though you may have given them a working solution.
One of the ways to deal with this kind of individual is not to lose your cool, although you may be tempted to do so. Try to see beyond their actions. Often individuals who act in that manner may be carrying a lot of childhood hurts and are desirous of genuinely connecting with someone they believe they can trust.
You may be that individual. Don’t be too quick to dismiss them. However, set boundaries for yourself by allowing the individual to know that you cannot always be there for them. It would also be wise to select and identify times when you can chat with them rather than they setting times for you. While not disconnecting from them, some may need professional help that you may not be able to offer. However, you can seek to point them in that direction and because they trust you, the chances of accepting your suggestions are often great.
Another group of individuals that may get under your skin are the “takers”. Takers are those who are constantly seeking to get from you by appealing to your emotions and may even try to use manipulative means to acquire their goals. They seem to be very good at spotting vulnerability in others and may target that side of you with language aimed at making you feel guilty if you do not help them.
Getting angry with the individual does not solve the problem but may only serve to create feelings of resentment within you. Although you may help such individuals at times, it is better to try to move the individual to a place of independence.
You may spot that he /she has some inner qualities that can be developed into something profitable, and where possible, seek ways and means of motivating the individual to achieve that objective. There are times you may need to say “no” to him/her especially if you see that there is little or no personal attempt to lift him or herself up.
Saying “no” to such people and not entertaining guilt feelings as a result can sometimes act as an incentive for them to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and climb out of the dependency syndrome in which they find themselves.
I know of individuals who were once “takers” but with motivation from people who initially thought they were getting under their skin, are now standing on their own feet and also motivating others to do the same. Don’t be too quick to write off a “taker”.
“Takers” can be challenging but what about “caretakers”. Can they really get under your skin? Caretakers are people who are extra kind and may habitually want to be offering you their services although not invited to do so. They perceive that you are very needy and may need “fixing” so that you can look good in their eyes. They are either telling you what to do or going out of their way to do it for you because they believe you are not doing it the right way.
If you do not accept what they do or say, they can get very annoyed or may not speak to you for a short while, but may creep their way back into your arms of friendships. It is sometimes difficult to shake them off because they can be extremely loving and caring, and your empathetic nature may permit them to continually invade your space. These caretakers are often carrying deep-seated issues that display themselves in their seeking satisfaction through caring for others. It is usually a cry for help.
Don’t be too quick to label them as “annoying”, but seize the opportunity to get to know them better while at the same time not yielding to their dictates. It is a golden opportunity to respond in love and guide them to someone who may be able to help them work through their deep-rooted concerns.
Many caretakers have been helped as a result of people taking time out to understand them. Join the list. Next week I shall continue on this subject.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email: griffitharticles@gmail.com
