I KNOW . . . it is de devil’s fault, right? It aint that you big and greedy, it aint that you aint got no damn self-control, it aint that you are like most people and like to eat like a horse, it is de devil that caused you to break your New Year’s resolution, right? Everything is de devil’s fault.
Now from last year, you looked at yourself in the mirror and all you could see was guts and love handles. Then you stepped on the bathroom scale and for five minutes you stood there in shock, before shouting to somebody in the house, “wait, this scale in here aint working?” cause you could not believe how much you weighed.
But with Xmas coming you didn’t wanta start dieting, so you ate like a pig all through the Xmas season, put on more weight but promised from January you gine be exercising and eating healthy. That was your New Year’s resolution.
So from January 1 you was exercising and eating veg and feeling good, you even lost a pound. Then by week two, out of nowhere, somebody gine invite you at them for Sunday lunch; de devil.
Now last year, nobody at all aint invite you nowhere for nothing to eat. But because de devil hear that you trying to diet he send somebody to invite you for food.
Anyhow, you gone to lunch with the intention that you sticking to your diet, you only eating salad and veg. Plus, you ain’t want no dessert, no sweet drinks or alcohol, you only drinking water.
But lo and behold, when you turn up, even before you step out your car you could smell the food. And when you get in the house, um is trouble.
The first thing you see is a bake ham winking at you, macaroni pie, lasagna, pudding and souse, and something you aint know what it is but it got in nuff cheese, nuff meat, nuff bacon and it calling your name.
You look around and see all the salads lather down in mayonnaise and the only veg is lettuce and cucumber. But you say to yourself, you made a promise to eat healthy and you sticking to it, you gine only take some lettuce, a forkful o’ rice, lil baked chicken and you done.
But before you know it, the food on your plate piled up like a mountain. People staring at the amount of food you got and wondering if you gine eat all. And yes, the lil pig that you are, you eat all, the food taste so good that if nobody wasn’t looking you would eat the plate.
Anyhow, you vex with yourself for breaking your promise, but that cheesey-bacon thing taste so good you decide to go back for a lil more.
When you get back to your seat you ain’t only got a good helping of the cheesey thing, but you got souse, barbecue pigtails, fish cakes and another glass o’ mauby.
Then out comes the dessert; cheese cake and ice cream. When other people take up one or the other, you take up both, cause you say to yourself, you might as well finish burst your guts now, cause you gone too far to turn back.
The next two days the rain fall, yeah de devil again, so you couldn’t go walking, so you done exercise for the balance of the year.
And later on in the week, guess who gine bake and send sweet bread and pone for you, yeah, guess who. Correct! De damn devil. See ya.
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Twitter: @madderic
