A WHILE BACK, I was sitting outside chatting with four guys.
During our discussion I told them that I was getting married. Even though the guys were happy for me, some of the responses I received were, “marriages don’t work”, “women duz only want yuh fuh yuh money”, “you sure you know wuh you doing?” and “it’s not natural for a man to have one woman”.
I decided to ask other random adults if they planned to get married and many quickly said, “No”.
Various reasons were given for their lack of interest in marriage but one of the main responses was that “marriages don’t work”. What was even more surprising was that, when I asked a group of students their views about marriage, most of them said they would never get married.
Based on the information I received on the ground and what I was observing, it seemed fair to conclude that marriages aren’t working.
However, could the failure of marriages be the end product of a deeper problem?
Let’s take a look at our relationships before marriage or before we as adults decided we wanted to “settle down”. Actually, let’s go as far back as our teenage and young adult years.
How healthy were our relationships during these times? Did we change girlfriends and boyfriends frequently? Were we accountable to anyone else but ourselves? Were there boundaries established within the relationship? Were our relationships sexually and physically driven? Did we seek good counsel and positive advice from others? Were relationship reviews ever undertaken? Were we selfish and self-centred? Did we honour our “partners” in thought, conversation and action? Were we committed?
What we have failed to recognize is that we are what we practise. I have heard many people say that when they get married they will change. A ring doesn’t change anyone. Whatever we practise during courtship, we will practise during marriage.
Selfishness presents itself in many forms, but I believe with all my heart it is the reason for most divorces. We as humans want the tangible benefits of marriage but do not want to accept the responsibilities and commitment that come with the territory. We see this same selfish mindset within our nation where people want the finer things of life but don’t want to work for them.
Too many of our young people are getting involved in unhealthy relationships from a young age, some from as early as infant school. Too many teenagers have been abused, misused and refused before they turn 20 and have been through many “relationships”. Too many of our young people have no sense of identity or purpose and where purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable. If this is happening now, what will our future families look like?
We have done little to teach our children about the importance of boundaries and what constitutes a healthy relationship. This may be a hard pill to swallow, but many adults don’t have a clue what constitutes a healthy relationship. The young and inexperienced copy and practise the behaviour of the mature and experienced. This is how we learn. We adults have set some really bad examples for our young people.
Don’t you find it amazing that we are encouraged to attend “marriage counselling” but not “relationship counselling”? That’s like sending a child to lessons for every CXC subject in fifth form after having done nothing to help that child from first to fourth form.I am not a contractor, but I know for a fact that if your foundation is weak, the finished structure will be weak also and susceptible to failure and destruction once pressure is applied.
It is said that family is the first and most important institution in a society. Strong family structures will produce strong productive communities, and strong communities will contribute significantly to the development of a country.
Yes, I agree that many marriages are failing. I do not agree it is simply because marriages don’t work. I strongly believe one of the main reasons is that our foundations are weak.
Our relationship styles and practices are distorted, unhealthy and destructive.
