If I had to identify a single thing that is a common source of concern, worry, frustration, dejection, pride, joy, boastfulness, flattery and a host of other negative and positive emotions for every single man, I would have to say the size of his manhood.
For a man’s head could be as big as a pumpkin or small as an apple; as long as he can get a hat or a cap with the peak behind to fit, grow nice natties or have a neat razor mark, he doesn’t really care about the size.
His feet could be a toddler’s size four or a tractor tyre size 24. As long as he can get the latest brand name shoe, sneaker or slipper to match with the newest suit, shirt, pants and even cap, he chooses to wear, he doesn’t really care about size.
His backside could be as flat as Lowdown Hoad’s or as big as Float’s. Depending on his age, once there are pants to fit around the waist above or hang on to exposed underwear below, he doesn’t really care about the size.
His guts could be an exquisitely sculpted six-pack like Mr Barbados or a protruding, can’t-see-below-it pillow like mine. As long as there are shirts in the latest style and fashion to fit, he doesn’t really care about the size.
But the-don’t-really-care-about-size stops when it comes to the size of his animal. And it matters not whether his is a gargantuan Neopolitan Mastiff or a tiny Chihuahua, or on which side of the average six-inch fence it might be swinging. Whichever way is cause for concern about the possibility of being laughed at for being too small or being too big.
That’s why a man will enter public toilets, bypass another man using one of a long row of open urinals and opt to shut himself in behind a closed door just to relieve himself. Even wutless men who don’t give a damn and let it go anywhere in plain sight of anybody on a tree, in an alley or against a galvanized paling, make sure that they are close enough to the target that nobody can see what they are packing.
A lot of this fear about what they possess is not related as much to what other men think as it is to what women will think about them. A friend, who runs a pharmacy, told me that most men who come to his place to buy Viagra, Cialis and other raise-from-the-dead pills are rather young men.
But, men, take it from me. There’s no need to fear about any size, big or small. You should be happy to know that among the primates, we humans have the largest tools in respect to overall body size, larger than even King Kong or Mighty Joe Young before him. Such gorillas, including the fearsome silverbacks, are the least endowed among the created and average a meagre two inches.
So, unless your have to use tweezers, next time you feel fearful of letting it be seen in public or in private, just remember that King Kong can’t touch you.
