Dear Nurse Helen,
I’m writing to you because I know my mother reads this magazine, and I want her to read this so she can see your response because I am afraid to talk to her and tell her that I think I may be pregnant. I am not supposed to be having sex at all. But I couldn’t help it, and I was under pressure, and I just gave in and did it because I love my boyfriend. He wasn’t pressuring me; I felt under pressure because of school and upcoming exams and COVID and lock down. It was just too much and I did it to make myself feel better. My mother is strict and doesn’t allow me some of the freedom my other friends have, but if she doesn’t give me room to learn to trust me, how could she ever?
Anyway, I want to talk to her about it, even though I know what her reaction will be, but I cannot summon the courage. Maybe my period is late because I am stressing, but It has never been late before. Maybe by the time you read this it will all be over, but still I am writing and hoping you see it before too long. I know I can get a pregnancy test and if my period doesn’t come by next week, I will do one. I’m not scared to be pregnant, I’m just scared of my mother’s reaction. I am more mature than she gives me credit for and getting pregnant at a young age nowadays is not a big thing like it was before. Please answer me back Nurse Helen. – JK
Dear JK,
It’s quite possible that your period is late because you are stressing about the risks you took. I’m glad you know that you should do a pregnancy test if your period doesn’t come by next week. You can do home pregnancy tests, see your doctor or pop along to Barbados Family Planning Association in Bay Street, where you can get other support, too. Tests are so much better these days, and the sooner you know, the sooner you can decide what you want to do, going forward.
Getting pregnant at a young age is still a big deal, for you and for the life choices you can make without having to think of anyone else’s needs, too. It’s a big deal at any age. However mature we feel we are, there are definitely times that we need our mum or the support of another significantly supportive woman in our lives. Your mum will second that, I’m sure.
Being a mother is hard work as well as the biggest and most important job you will ever do in your life.
We don’t yet know for sure if you are not pregnant. If not, please take some time to organise contraception if you continue to be sexually active. Your partner doesn’t seem to have cared enough about the risk of pregnancy to use a condom… and you don’t mention insisting on him using one.
Don’t forget that mum has considerably more “life experience” than you do. Maybe these are some examples of what worries mum when you say you’re “more mature than she gives you credit for”. Have you earned that credit yet? And, JK, if you’re that afraid to talk to her, should you really be doing what you are doing?
You also don’t yet seem to fully understand the implications of how COVID operates. To have sex you obviously didn’t adhere to social distance guidelines. You don’t live together, so shouldn’t have been so close. Sex is never the answer to a problem. It frequently creates further problems!
It doesn’t matter now – you’ve done it, but for others reading this, think twice before taking that step. There may be things mum can help you with that can be complicated under age … obtaining sexual health protection and contraception, for example. Mum may not like it, but I’m pretty sure she’d rather keep you safe from risk than let you ‘run free’ on your own.
She’s had many sleepless nights since you joined her in this world… that never stops!
If you ARE pregnant, you are going to have to talk to your mum. Yes, she will be upset. She’s been trusting you when you’re outside the house. She will have assumed that you know how to protect yourself, at the very least. You say you knew you shouldn’t have been having sex, but you still went ahead. She will understandably wonder why you went against her advice and she’ll probably be wondering where she ‘went wrong’.
She shouldn’t kick herself, though. You have raging hormones flying around and obviously think you know what you are doing. You are not old enough yet to understand the implications of some risks you will be taking… your brain isn’t mature yet, neither is your body, even though you think you’re mature.
She will be full of wonder about how she could have shown you differently. Again, what was, is not what is now, and the only way for you both to move forward is to forgive each other, have a cuddle and talk properly to each other – respecting each other’s feelings and really listen to each other.
If you are pregnant, you are just starting a journey she’s already travelled. I’m pretty sure she’ll be, by far, your best teacher, guide, support and friend going forwards, if you let her.
I probably haven’t said some of the things you wanted me to have said for her to read. I’m neutral in this situation but I do know it’s a very tricky, stressful time all round. COVID and the restrictions that are imposed to keep us safe also keep us alone and sometimes lonely. It’s going to be around for quite some time yet, so learning to negotiate it safely on top of negotiating an exciting sex life safely is just another hurdle in the rich tapestry of life in 2021. It’s a very different time from 2019… and we may not return to those freedoms on a global scale for several years yet to come.
Stay safe JK, in all ways and learn to adapt to the new way of life we are all trying to fathom. If you are not pregnant, concentrate on those exams and do really well. Forget about sex for a while and concentrate on “your” future. If you are pregnant, then you need to work doubly hard before baby arrives, to do really well with those exams to increase your future employment chances. The better job you can secure, the less stressed your finances will be to look after baby, and yourself, in the years to come. You can’t rely on your boyfriend to look after you. He’s already shown he’s not mature enough to use a simple condom… what makes you sure he’d be mature enough to look after you and baby long-term?
There is one more choice though, which is for you alone to consider, should you decide not to continue with the pregnancy. Whatever you decide, be sure and don’t look back.
Good luck, JK.
I hope this helps a little.- Helen
