Friday, April 12, 2024

DE MARKET VENDOR: Vendor learning to raise nuff money


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De Vendor been doing some reading recently ’bout how to raise money. I talking ’bout big money, money that could mek a man or woman powerful, give dem plenty influence, de chance to do good or bad, de chance to mek a difference, big easy money.
Some people is experts at raising money. Dem could get millionaires to donate big sums. Some people in politics could raise hundreds of millions of dollars – ask a fella like Mitt Romney; dat man know to raise money. Barack raise plenty too, from all sort of people, li’l people giving a fiver here and there. And ’bout here we hear some big names mentioned as backers of this political party or de next. Strange dat a fella you does see once every five years, if yuh lucky, could send a emissary to solicit funds from you and you does tek out yuh hard-earn cash and hand it over to de emissary, not knowing what dem funds gine get use for but yuh only hoping it gine do some good and dat in de long run you gine benefit.
You might never see nor hear de person dat send de request but yuh handing over scarce money to somebody you might never get a call from nor even a thank you letter. But, let de Vendor ask a fella for a few hundred dollars or less and see if a van from de Psychiatric Hospital don’t pass by and pick you up. How is it that other people could raise money and you cannot get past de receptionist to beg fuh li’l help.
So I reading a new limited edition book called De Money Tree, written by Jack. Today they want to crucify Jack but a couple years ago when Jack was spending big money to win elections, nobody wanted to know where Jack getting all dis money from. One ting ’bout Jack: he does spend money too – dat is de difference between Jack and de rest. Today dey calling fuh an investigation ’bout how he raise and spend hundreds of millions of dollars. Few people see it but in de book, Jack explain how yuh move from a poor small man to a mega wealthy powerful man.
De Vendor very interested in de methodology Jack use to raise millions in cash, simply by writing letters to businesses, asking for de money for the purpose of holding parties. Amazing! Brazen too! De first thing to know is dat yuh must use de power of de office to get to de men, use de company stationery, sign as CEO.
If you don’t ask, yuh can’t get. Remember the Good Book says ask and it shall be given. Jack ask and he get plenty. First rule then, don’t ask, don’t get!
Christmas not far off, Vendor getting letterheads prepared to send to de big boys, requesting big money to hold parties fuh de staff (not sure what staff, but staff). I gine hold big fetes, plenty wine, women and song, gifts galore, spread de money around just like Jack, give some to de church, donate to a few charities, get de newspapers to cover de handing over – yuh boy in a suit, sweat pouring down in de midday sun but ah looking sharp handing over de gifts. Everybody singing muh praises. Market is a good fella. My teeth shining bright like a diamond!
De only li’l worry is wha dem big boys who donate de money gine want in return. But then, Jack never worry ’bout dat. Surely, dem donate de money from de goodness of dem heart.
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?


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