“YOU HEAR about the ghost ship full of cannibal rats heading for England?” my friend asked. He was always up to something, so I knew that was not the real purpose of his call. I replied in Trini-speak, “I hear they not biting nice.”
He laughed, “Nah. I have good news and bad news about them. What you want to hear first.” I opted for the good news. He paused, clearly savouring what was to come. “The good news,” he intoned, “is that they landed.” I expostulated, “Good news? If that is the good news, what is the bad news?” He paused even longer. “Well, the bad news is that as soon as they reached England they joined the Conservative Party and were sent as High Commissioners to the Caribbean.”
“Got it,” I said to myself. He had read my article in last week’s regional newspapers about the British High Commissioner in Trinidad, a man named Arthur Snell, who in a blog Down In The Dumps carried by the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO) and sundry regional newspapers, dumped on Trinidadian environmental practices and at the same time said that Trinidad could be a world leader in the field. I knew where my friend was coming from but not where he was going but I could guess. I was right.
“You know,” he said, “I was a diplomat and in my day we dare not say anything in public that seemed even remotely like criticism of our host country. Man, they would pack you back so fast it would make your head spin even if you were returning by steamer or LIAT.”
The man was too worked up to see how ludicrous the whole thing was. “No, the British love wars – they started a war called the War of Jenkins Ear because a British sailor was supposed to have got his ear cut off by a Spaniard. Then that ongoing war with Ireland was over a potato. The British got upset because the Irish referred to potatoes as Irish and not English potatoes.” “You can’t be serious,” I replied, grinning. “Not a joking matter,” he thundered, “The IRA was originally the IPRA – the Irish Potato Republican Army.” I gave up and saying, “I’m passing through a bad area. I will call you back”, while fervently praying he would forget he had called my landline and not my cellphone, I hung up.
I had posted my article in the FCO’s page which featured Mr Snell’s blog so I went back to see what comments were added after the piece entitled The British Are Slumming! The British Are Slumming ran. But before that I found what I thought was an anomaly. Mr Snell is an expert in “counter-terrorism issues”. He was in Iraq.
He was assistant director for counter-terrorism at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and managed a £60 million (BDS$193.6 million) global counter-radicalisation programme, with a particular focus on Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia. He was in Hellmand Province in Southern Afghanistan. And now he’s here in Trinidad trying to get us interested in recycling technology.
I will say no more about this formidable résumé except to ask how such a star of counter-intelligence ends up in Trinidad.
Mr Snell’s comment on my column was “hilarious”. Knowing that British diplomats have their own shorthand, I decided that it might not mean what we think it means so I went in search of a guide to British “diplo-speak” or diplomatic language. When they say, “I hear what you say” they really mean “I disagree and do not want to discuss it further.” “With the greatest respect” translates into “I think you’re an idiot.” “Very interesting” means “That is clearly nonsense.” “You must come for dinner” is really
“It’s not an invitation. I am merely being polite.” “Correct me if I’m wrong” does not mean that at all. It means, “I’m right. Don’t contradict me.”
So what does “hilarious” mean in “diplo-speak”? I read a BBC news piece entitled Diplomats Mind Their Language, which says, “The diplomatic world is one where the thorniest of subjects are discussed in the most cautious language – where a stand-up row just short of a fist fight becomes “a very candid discussion”, or “serious consequences” means war.
I eventually reasoned out what “hilarious” means. It might have been said in China when British and other forces engaged in widespread looting, raping and killing or in the Boer War in South Africa with the widespread destruction of crops and slaughtering of livestock, the burning down of homesteads, poisoning of wells and salting of fields.
If that is not hilarious, what would I consider “hilarious”? Whatever reason is given by the British
to explain why a high-flying, Arabic-speaking, counter-terrorism specialist and overachieving diplomat would be posted in Trinidad and Tobago. Thereby hangs not just a tale but a Grim, fairy one.
• Tony Deyal was last seen saying that a diplomat can be described as a man who says, “nice doggie” while reaching for a rock. This Brit is the only one who says, “bad doggie” while reaching for a bottle.
