by
Midwife Andrea Jordan
“
TOUCH
IS THE
FIRST LANGUAGE WE SPEAK”.
These are the famous words of Stephen Gaskin, late husband to one of America’s most well-known midwives Ina May Gaskin, and they sum up humanity’s basic need for communication through physical interaction and touch. The bonding that results is the attachment which develops between both parents and their baby. It makes parents want to shower their new baby with love and to protect and nourish them, helps parents to get up in the night to feed their little one and makes them attentive to their wide range of cries. It in turn is beneficial for babies in promoting their confidence, security and self-esteem and is also believed to be essential for a child’s social and cognitive development.
Of course bonding is easier if you aren’t exhausted! Caring for a newborn can take all of your attention and energy, particularly for a breastfeeding mother. It’s helpful if partners or friends can give a hand with everyday chores as well as offer emotional support.
Breastfeeding naturally helps with the bonding process as there is a good amount of intimacy and physical contact involved in the act, while at the same time providing essential nourishment. Breastfeeding also releases oxytocin, ‘the love hormone’, so it’s nature’s way of creating a strong bond between mother and baby.
Bottle-feeding, however, can also be a special time to be close to your baby, giving you a chance to hold baby close and make plenty of eye contact. Bathing and diaper changing as well as doing practical tasks are also great opportunities to interact, communicate and feel close to your baby. Touching and stroking your baby can be a powerful tool of communication that develops a bond, and talking or even singing to them during feeding and playtime, encourages your baby to respond to you which helps you feel closer, initiating the foundations of language and communication for later life.
As your baby grows, they will start to interact more with you, responding to your voice and smiles with smiles and coos of their own. This is the perfect time to start having ‘conversations’ with your baby by talking/ singing and pausing to await their ‘reply’. This type of interaction with your baby builds bonds that will last a lifetime.
Whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, make plenty of eye contact and hold your baby close during the feed.
In some cases, for example if baby is in a ‘Neonatal Intensive Care Unit’ you may have concerns about not being able to bond; however, the staff should show and encourage you to touch and hold your baby and be involved in his/her care.
The truth is, for many parents, bonding is a result of everyday caregiving. You may not realise you have bonded until you observe your baby’s first smile, and suddenly you find yourself filled with feelings of joy and love. If you are finding it difficult to develop ‘feelings’ for your baby after a couple of months, tell your Community Practice Nurse or GP, as you may be experiencing postnatal depression and would benefit from professional help and support.
Partners and Bonding
Although partners/dads frequently yearn for closer contact with their babies, the truth is that bonding often occurs on a different timetable for them, partially because they don’t have as much of the physical contact with baby that breastfeeding provides. As a result, some partners find that as the mother’s confidence grows, so too does their uncertainty about their relationship with their baby, unless they have specific and routine things they do regularly with baby which helps to reinforce their bond.
So what can partners do to develop their own bonds with their baby?
• Burping after breast or bottle feeds.
• Bottle-feeding, especially at night feed (after breastmilk supply establishes beyond about six weeks of age) can help a tired mother.
• Diaper changes (the all-time favourite!).
• Bathing, especially evening routines which help with the ‘wind-down’ for bed/sleep time
• Massaging, particularly after or as part of the bath-time routine.
• Going out for morning or evening walks for sunlight, which helps with clearing any jaundice (yellowing of the skin)
• Just enjoying play/interaction time together Bonding is a complex, personal and intimate experience that takes time. As long as a baby’s basic needs are being met, they won’t suffer if a bond isn’t strong at first; after all, it’s a work in progress and is likely to change and develop with the dynamic of the parentchild relationship itself. But one thing is for sure; the rewards are felt, appreciated and rarely forgotten.
Andrea Bonita Jordan is a Registered Midwife (freelance) , Breastfeeding Specialist and co-founder of two charities: The Breastfeeding and Child Nutrition Foundation (The BCNF charity # 1169) and Better Birthing in Bim.
