I WONDER how many married women are happy?
This question comes to me whenever I think of what I went through in my first marriage, as well as what most of my friends often say about their relationship.
For most of them, marriage is one big obligation to husbands, children, family, friends, banks, credit unions, workplaces, churches and community organisations. It’s about satisfying these people and entities’ expectations most of the time, and little to do with each woman’s personal happiness and contentment.
For them, and for me at one point, marriage seemed to be about giving of yourself to everyone you care about 24-7. You get little personal time to pamper yourself or do what you feel like doing, however, briefly.
That is why I asked the question, how many married women are happy?
I am not suggesting that I am dissatisfied with my husband and children, or that I can’t stand my in-laws and relatives. Neither am I suggesting that I want out of my union because it is keeping me down.
No, all I am saying, and all these women have expressed to me, is that as a wife and a mother, life can become routine with many demands and even more expectations. These can become so overwhelming that you abandon your personal goals.
That certainly happened to me. I ignored learning to sew so I could design and make my own clothes. That was always my passion but I could never do it until I had completed my professional studies. Yet, after I married, I didn’t.
When you cannot accomplish worthwhile simple things that you had set your heart on doing, then something must be wrong with how you’re living your life.
Such thoughts are not being selfish either. Many people seem to feel that when they become a wife and mother that their only duty is to husband and children, and their desires and dreams as an individual should cease. It is because of that backward thinking that a lot of women feel trapped in their marriages after a while. Some then rebel and this shows in how miserable and nagging they become. That often dooms their marriage.
But what happens in most marriages is that the husband ignores the wife and does what he wants – whether that is play sports, spend his free time liming, have girlfriends, work long hours, or some of the above.
That’s not what marriage is supposed to be.
Marriage should be an institution where both partners work as a team to help each other realise their personal goals. And, simultaneously as a couple, establish their own home, have children if they can or want to, and build a network of friendships and interests to make life more substantial and satisfying.
Admittedly, I only began thinking this way nearly eight years ago after my first marriage folded. That marriage lasted for just over five years.
Then, my world was my husband and the child our union produced. Nothing else mattered. Not even my own career, though I had studied and trained extensively for it.
Despite my devotion and feelings, that marriage collapsed because I never recognised my husband wanted more than just being my partner, a father and successful executive. He also wanted to be an entrepreneur, a party animal and a ladies’ man. And because he could not go after his latter dreams, he felt stifled.
So there I was making plans to improve whatever we did as a family, while he was feeling smothered and totally frustrated in the marriage. Eventually he expressed his feelings, but that only came after his girlfriend totally devastated me.
She actually called and made an appointment to see me in my professional capacity. When she came into my office I had no idea whatsoever who she was until she said in quite a pleasant but firm voice that she came to talk to me about freeing my husband.
Before I could even respond, she insisted he no longer loved me but felt obligated to our marriage because of our child. She told me I was depriving him of his happiness and should let him go.
I got so angry that I began raising my voice at her. She reminded that I was in my office and the only person who would suffer from any unprofessional conduct would be me.
Though she was being disrespectful, she was right. I could not behave in a manner unbecoming of my position. So I just sat there and stared at her.
I don’t think I was ever that angry in my life. Thankfully her statement was no more than six minutes or so, then she left.
With her gone, I sat in my office and cried. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. Never in my craziest dreams did I ever imagine something like this could happen to me. But it did.
I got so angry that I abandoned the rest of my appointments and went to confront my husband. He left his office and we met at home and had it out.
The one thing I remember most about that confrontation was him telling me how trapped he felt. I just could not understand what he meant. It never made sense to me.
It took me years to put that episode behind me and move on. I have since remarried but, quite frankly, I am not the naive wife and woman I used to be. I told this to my better half when he proposed. I told him straight that though we would aspire together to achieve more, we also have to pursue our individual goals. That way both of us would find contentment.
I told my story at a recent meeting and some of the ladies thought I should share it as it may be helpful to others. I sincerely hope it has.
